It’s funny how time changes things isn’t it? Gas use to be $.99 a gallon, TV only had 10 channels, and Paul use to be funny. Movies use to have soul, depth and meaning, their titles were unique and clever, and their posters and advertisements were pieces of  artwork that tried to wrap up different elements of the film into a single poster, and was something that you looked forward to seeing at the theater. They stood tall and long, draped over the side of a wall, or hanging from the ceiling. You walked in and saw a poster for a movie you had never heard of and the poster alone gave you this awesome impression and usually made us say things like, “that looks bad ass” or “…dude, so awesome.”

My mustache makes me angry.

Classic case of guy on the ground.

Anyone see any flying monkeys? Movies are a funny thing these days. Remakes, prequels, re-envisioning, re-imaginings (which apparently is different from a re-envisioning somehow?), re-boots, sequels, and re-imagined boots as I like to call ’em, have been flooding the theaters a lot lately as Hollywood keeps churning out different versions of existing material. This is of course, not to mention the surge of ideas floating around looking to turn the next nothing into the next something. Books turn into movies, so why not comic books? Comic books turn into movies, so why not video games? Video games turn into movies, so why not board games? And hell if a board game can be turned into a movie, why not a series of childrens books where the sole point is to stare at the page and find the guy in the Santa sweater.

That’s right folks, MGM has acquired the rights to turn the series of children’s books Where’s Waldo into a feature film. Yes, you read that correctly… a FEATURE FILM! Yes you read that correctly… WHERE’S WALDO! Holy shit, is nothing sacred anymore!? Is there even a point to Where’s Waldo? Was there even an underlying story as to why that lovable gent was traveling the globe in blue jeans and a sweater, no matter what time of year and no matter where on Earth he was? You ever wore a sweater in Hawaii? Yeah looking sharp there Wally, good luck getting the ladies with those pit stains you’re rockin’.

But the big point here is why, for the love of God, does this need to be a feature film!? It would seem that the subject matter would lend itself so beautifully to an animated adventure for say, I don’t know… a little company called Pixar! But I guess I am getting ahead of myself… why the hell is this even being made into anything at all (besides maybe another brightly colored book that I can give to Paul to keep him occupied for several weeks)!? Is this what movies are being reduced to nowadays? Where the plot just entails one single simple action such as finding someone in a crowd? Locate a battleship, find a Waldo, go to a Candyland or whatever the hell the objective was in that game.

There he is, behind the thing... next to the suff.

We’re doomed ladies and gentleman, simply doomed. I think Wayne Campbell said it best when he said, “Shaw… and monkeys might fly out of my butt!” Well bend over Wayne, here is a stick to bite down on. I just hope it’s literally an exact replica of one of the scenes from the books. Just because it is live action doesn’t mean the actors have to be moving. I would pay good money to see 1,200 extras standing perfectly still for an hour and a half, while I scour the screen looking for David Schwimmer in a red and white sweater. This should be a fun one to keep an eye on folks, we will be sure to keep you updated.

Well, at least according to Denzel Washington they are. Maybe I’m just coming off of the anger of my last post about Arnolds new movie The Last Stand being very similar to Walking Tall with The Rock. But I cant help but notice similarities between Denzel Washington and Ryan Reynolds new movie Safe House, and a little gem from 2005 that I really like called Assault on Precinct 13 starring Ethan Hawke and Laurence Fishburne (hey you cant always get Denzel, or Samuel Jackson, or Will Smith…).

According to Collider.com Safe House is a story about “A young CIA agent (Reynolds) who must team up with a dangerous criminal in order to survive when their safe house is destroyed by mercenaries.” While that is all fine and dandy, and while the plot isn’t explicitly unique, the trailer looks extremely similar to Assault on Precinct 13. Maybe its just because they do the classic bad guy good guy team up in both? Or is it because they do the classic, black guy white guy team up in both? I don’t know what it is, but I cant wait to see it either way. Denzel is always awesome when he plays a bad ass, and Reynolds… well, lets just hope this gets him back on track after Green Lantern, which Paul and I have appropriately placed here, where it belongs. It looks like Reynolds might be able to pull off the tough guy act, but lets just hope he leaves his CGI at home this time.

Hey, you don't look like Ethan Hawke...

So the Internets were buzzing with thoughts of what The Terminator is going to be doing now that he is no longer the Governator of our fine state of California. Apparently driving the state into near bankruptcy, and knocking up the hired help got boring for the ol’ Austrian Oak. Word got around that he had taken his next project (not another maid) and was ready to get back into acting. We were all on the edge of our seats, waiting with baited breath (you like that one Paul, totally used your line) to see what the amazing action star was going to blow us away with this time. His next movie will be… The Last Stand.

Arnold will play the Sheriff of a quiet little town when all the sudden he is thrust back into action, and tasked with stopping a notorious drug kingpin who is on the run (in some sort of super-duper car apparently) and driving straight for Arnolds town. He is forced to assemble his deputies and get ready for the showdown, and make their… Final Destination. I’m just kidding, Last Stand.

The only problem I have with this, is haven’t we seen this movie before when it was called Walking Tall? Staring non-other than Dwayne “I’m the toothfairy” Johnson? Didn’t he have to defend his quiet little town against drug dudes who were ruining it? I’m sure that plot has been done before many times, but for some reason this time it really made me think of Walking Tall.

Now that being said, I’m sure it will be an action packed blockbuster and I personally, cant wait. Our generation is completely lacking an action star on Arnolds level. So I guess if we cant get one of our own, we might as well keep using him! I mean come on, 64 is the new 20 right… right…??? Holy shit I cant believe ol’ Dutch is 64. I think these days he is using more pull-ups than he is doing if you catch my drift (my drift being that he shits himself he is so old).

Hey look - Dopey, Sleepy, Grumpy, and a female (holding a tommy gun?) so the movie is politically correct.

The one thing that caught my good eye (pun intended for further in the article), is when I was scanning the cast line-up on IMDB, I saw non other than the Last King of Scotland himself, Forest Whitaker. I can only assume that he will play the drug kingpin hurling towards Arnolds town in his super-duper automobile. And for this I am thankful, because I cannot wait to see Forest Whitakers fat ass take on the 64 year old geriatric Terminator. Stay tuned with your ears for this one, it should be fun ladies and gentleman.

If you listened to the 10/22/11 show, you know that I was at a loss for words (for once) when I asked Paul what he thought the “W.S.” stood for in Paul W.S. Andersons name. His reply – Paul “Wesley Snipes” Anderson, which was just about the best response imaginable. So when I read that Taylor Lautner will be starring in an Indie movie directed by Gus Van Sant I thought I was going to have comedic gold on my hands…. comedic “shit-gold” as we like to say. Werewolf jokes, stabs at his horrible acting, and shirtless puns to say the very least. But after I finished reading the article on THR, I was just… at a complete loss.

I just cant figure this out. Lautners last movie Abduction was just ripped apart by critics, and its no secret that his acting is… ummm, yeah. According to the article, Lautner is “determined to work only with top directors and writers from now on as he strives to define himself as an actor.” Good for you buddy, good for you. But I hate to point out one tiny little flaw in your strategy, usually its a two way street. I would love to work with top notch talent too, but unfortunately I’m stuck with Paul.

Does the success of Twilight automatically entitle Lautner top notch scripts and directors? Sure he wants to work with them, but does anyone in their right-mind want to work with him!? I could see if it was a movie geared towards the same audience (13 year old girls/Paul) and they wanted him on board to sell tickets… but an Indie flick!!?? I don’t see his hairy acting skills (Werewolf… hairy… get it? Come on I had to get one joke in there) lending themselves very well to an Indie film. But I could be wrong, his skills could pay off if the movie is about people who don’t wear shirts, or about people who are horrible actors, or about a Vampire and a Werewolf fighting over their love for a human girl… oh wait.

Hey look, my face is weird.