Anyone see any flying monkeys? Movies are a funny thing these days. Remakes, prequels, re-envisioning, re-imaginings (which apparently is different from a re-envisioning somehow?), re-boots, sequels, and re-imagined boots as I like to call ’em, have been flooding the theaters a lot lately as Hollywood keeps churning out different versions of existing material. This is of course, not to mention the surge of ideas floating around looking to turn the next nothing into the next something. Books turn into movies, so why not comic books? Comic books turn into movies, so why not video games? Video games turn into movies, so why not board games? And hell if a board game can be turned into a movie, why not a series of childrens books where the sole point is to stare at the page and find the guy in the Santa sweater.
That’s right folks, MGM has acquired the rights to turn the series of children’s books Where’s Waldo into a feature film. Yes, you read that correctly… a FEATURE FILM! Yes you read that correctly… WHERE’S WALDO! Holy shit, is nothing sacred anymore!? Is there even a point to Where’s Waldo? Was there even an underlying story as to why that lovable gent was traveling the globe in blue jeans and a sweater, no matter what time of year and no matter where on Earth he was? You ever wore a sweater in Hawaii? Yeah looking sharp there Wally, good luck getting the ladies with those pit stains you’re rockin’.
But the big point here is why, for the love of God, does this need to be a feature film!? It would seem that the subject matter would lend itself so beautifully to an animated adventure for say, I don’t know… a little company called Pixar! But I guess I am getting ahead of myself… why the hell is this even being made into anything at all (besides maybe another brightly colored book that I can give to Paul to keep him occupied for several weeks)!? Is this what movies are being reduced to nowadays? Where the plot just entails one single simple action such as finding someone in a crowd? Locate a battleship, find a Waldo, go to a Candyland or whatever the hell the objective was in that game.
We’re doomed ladies and gentleman, simply doomed. I think Wayne Campbell said it best when he said, “Shaw… and monkeys might fly out of my butt!” Well bend over Wayne, here is a stick to bite down on. I just hope it’s literally an exact replica of one of the scenes from the books. Just because it is live action doesn’t mean the actors have to be moving. I would pay good money to see 1,200 extras standing perfectly still for an hour and a half, while I scour the screen looking for David Schwimmer in a red and white sweater. This should be a fun one to keep an eye on folks, we will be sure to keep you updated.