It’s funny how time changes things isn’t it? Gas use to be $.99 a gallon, TV only had 10 channels, and Paul use to be funny. Movies use to have soul, depth and meaning, their titles were unique and clever, and their posters and advertisements were pieces of  artwork that tried to wrap up different elements of the film into a single poster, and was something that you looked forward to seeing at the theater. They stood tall and long, draped over the side of a wall, or hanging from the ceiling. You walked in and saw a poster for a movie you had never heard of and the poster alone gave you this awesome impression and usually made us say things like, “that looks bad ass” or “…dude, so awesome.”

My mustache makes me angry.

Classic case of guy on the ground.

Anyone see any flying monkeys? Movies are a funny thing these days. Remakes, prequels, re-envisioning, re-imaginings (which apparently is different from a re-envisioning somehow?), re-boots, sequels, and re-imagined boots as I like to call ’em, have been flooding the theaters a lot lately as Hollywood keeps churning out different versions of existing material. This is of course, not to mention the surge of ideas floating around looking to turn the next nothing into the next something. Books turn into movies, so why not comic books? Comic books turn into movies, so why not video games? Video games turn into movies, so why not board games? And hell if a board game can be turned into a movie, why not a series of childrens books where the sole point is to stare at the page and find the guy in the Santa sweater.

That’s right folks, MGM has acquired the rights to turn the series of children’s books Where’s Waldo into a feature film. Yes, you read that correctly… a FEATURE FILM! Yes you read that correctly… WHERE’S WALDO! Holy shit, is nothing sacred anymore!? Is there even a point to Where’s Waldo? Was there even an underlying story as to why that lovable gent was traveling the globe in blue jeans and a sweater, no matter what time of year and no matter where on Earth he was? You ever wore a sweater in Hawaii? Yeah looking sharp there Wally, good luck getting the ladies with those pit stains you’re rockin’.

But the big point here is why, for the love of God, does this need to be a feature film!? It would seem that the subject matter would lend itself so beautifully to an animated adventure for say, I don’t know… a little company called Pixar! But I guess I am getting ahead of myself… why the hell is this even being made into anything at all (besides maybe another brightly colored book that I can give to Paul to keep him occupied for several weeks)!? Is this what movies are being reduced to nowadays? Where the plot just entails one single simple action such as finding someone in a crowd? Locate a battleship, find a Waldo, go to a Candyland or whatever the hell the objective was in that game.

There he is, behind the thing... next to the suff.

We’re doomed ladies and gentleman, simply doomed. I think Wayne Campbell said it best when he said, “Shaw… and monkeys might fly out of my butt!” Well bend over Wayne, here is a stick to bite down on. I just hope it’s literally an exact replica of one of the scenes from the books. Just because it is live action doesn’t mean the actors have to be moving. I would pay good money to see 1,200 extras standing perfectly still for an hour and a half, while I scour the screen looking for David Schwimmer in a red and white sweater. This should be a fun one to keep an eye on folks, we will be sure to keep you updated.

Well, at least according to Denzel Washington they are. Maybe I’m just coming off of the anger of my last post about Arnolds new movie The Last Stand being very similar to Walking Tall with The Rock. But I cant help but notice similarities between Denzel Washington and Ryan Reynolds new movie Safe House, and a little gem from 2005 that I really like called Assault on Precinct 13 starring Ethan Hawke and Laurence Fishburne (hey you cant always get Denzel, or Samuel Jackson, or Will Smith…).

According to Collider.com Safe House is a story about “A young CIA agent (Reynolds) who must team up with a dangerous criminal in order to survive when their safe house is destroyed by mercenaries.” While that is all fine and dandy, and while the plot isn’t explicitly unique, the trailer looks extremely similar to Assault on Precinct 13. Maybe its just because they do the classic bad guy good guy team up in both? Or is it because they do the classic, black guy white guy team up in both? I don’t know what it is, but I cant wait to see it either way. Denzel is always awesome when he plays a bad ass, and Reynolds… well, lets just hope this gets him back on track after Green Lantern, which Paul and I have appropriately placed here, where it belongs. It looks like Reynolds might be able to pull off the tough guy act, but lets just hope he leaves his CGI at home this time.

Hey, you don't look like Ethan Hawke...